There are things we don't like to admit about ourselves- those embarrassing secrets we hope to take to the grave. I am trusting that , at most, 6 people read this so I can reveal one of mine. I am an infomercial junkie. Not only do I watch them - I am fairly entertained by them- AND I frequently buy the products. I would feel so ashamed except that I typically like the stuff I buy so much I can't feel too terrible about it. (The spaghetti cooker is a definite exception) From exercise programs to beauty products- all you have to do to convince me is put together a snappy little 24 minute program with before and after shots and a B-list celebrity to endorse it- and I will totally believe it WILL transform my life.
I do draw the line on certain things. The kitchen products don't hold a big attraction for me- probably in part because I hate cooking in the first place. No, I usually go for things that I feel like I need- younger skin, something to fix dry, damaged hair, best shape of your life kind of stuff. Our needs can make us vulnerable in ways we could never imagine. With the infomercials, I may just be out a few dollars, but in other areas of life- the consequences of buying into the wrong things to meet our needs are much higher. We see this everyday with people calling psychic hotlines, losing their savings in get-rich-quick scams, or buying into false religions. The course of lives are forever altered because they are chasing the wrong solutions. We have legitimate needs and we are desperate for solutions- but if we aren't careful where we go to meet those needs we end up in a bigger mess than we began with. And we miss the greatest Solution ever given to mankind. Whatever you need- He is the solution. Lonely? He's comfort. Sad? He's joy. Sick? He's healing. Lost? He's direction. He is everything we ever need.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Authority
I am reading a book on prayer and one of the chapters talks about spiritual authority. This is very interesting to me because at times I really don't know what I have authority over. I'm going to have to reread this chapter because I am still not exactly clear on that. It did make me think of something that may be similar, though.
When Halle was little she used my bathroom for everything. We have a garden tub so she liked to take her baths in the "big" tub. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair (on the rare occasions she combed that curly mop), and did all her bathroom duties in my bathroom. On one trip to Pensacola when Halle was about 5, she noticed that all my sister's kids had their own bathrooms. During the car ride home, she said to me how she wished she had her own bathroom. I told her she did, that the bathroom Kenzie and Brandt used was hers too. She said, "Really?" I assured her that, yes, that bathroom was just as much hers as it was theirs and that was the end of that conversation. I didn't think much about it partially because Halle and I have SO many conversations about so many things- she is a chatter. But a day or so after we were home- Halle moved her toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner, and her rarely-used hair brush into the kid's bathroom and sat them in drawers and on the side of the tub. She moved in to that bathroom. She never mentioned it to me beforehand to make sure it was okay, and she didn't ask Kenzie and Brandt if they minded. Mom said it was her bathroom, so in her precious little mind- it was HER bathroom.
I think when Jesus talked about coming to Him like little children- this was some of what He was talking about. Oh to have the faith of Halle in what He tells me is mine- what He says I can do! To not look for the approval of man to see if it is acceptable-to not live in perpetual insecurity about whether I misunderstood what He told me. This is the kind of spiritual authority I want to walk in- not presumption or arrogance, not double-minded insecurity...but simple faith that what He says is true and what He tells me to do- I can do.
When Halle was little she used my bathroom for everything. We have a garden tub so she liked to take her baths in the "big" tub. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair (on the rare occasions she combed that curly mop), and did all her bathroom duties in my bathroom. On one trip to Pensacola when Halle was about 5, she noticed that all my sister's kids had their own bathrooms. During the car ride home, she said to me how she wished she had her own bathroom. I told her she did, that the bathroom Kenzie and Brandt used was hers too. She said, "Really?" I assured her that, yes, that bathroom was just as much hers as it was theirs and that was the end of that conversation. I didn't think much about it partially because Halle and I have SO many conversations about so many things- she is a chatter. But a day or so after we were home- Halle moved her toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner, and her rarely-used hair brush into the kid's bathroom and sat them in drawers and on the side of the tub. She moved in to that bathroom. She never mentioned it to me beforehand to make sure it was okay, and she didn't ask Kenzie and Brandt if they minded. Mom said it was her bathroom, so in her precious little mind- it was HER bathroom.
I think when Jesus talked about coming to Him like little children- this was some of what He was talking about. Oh to have the faith of Halle in what He tells me is mine- what He says I can do! To not look for the approval of man to see if it is acceptable-to not live in perpetual insecurity about whether I misunderstood what He told me. This is the kind of spiritual authority I want to walk in- not presumption or arrogance, not double-minded insecurity...but simple faith that what He says is true and what He tells me to do- I can do.
Monday, May 24, 2010
TV
I was watching some late night TV the other night. It was a very popular pastor that I've watched many times before and I like him, but something always bothers me about his teaching and I can never put my finger on it. He teaches Biblical truth- it is scriptural, but still something about his interpretation always nags at me that it's not quite right. So as I watched , and I did get some good things out of what he said, but I just asked the Lord what bothered me so much about his teaching. And He showed me. This man teaches a self-centered gospel.
Every principle he taught tied directly to our own personal happiness and success. It was not a "prosperity" message so much as it was a be-all-you-can-be message. This is not all bad- we should be all God created us to be but if that is our only reason for entering into this Christian walk- to just become the best version of ourself- we are really missing the whole point. We have bought into a Christian version of all the self-help gurus out there.
I have taught my children from the time they were very young to be kind to other people. Sometimes they are, sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are nice only because I said to be nice. And while it is true that being kind to others can a lot of times benefit you personally- that is not why I want them to be kind. I want them to realize the value each person has- that they are precious creations of their God and He adores them. So we should treat them like they are valuable because they are valuable. The thought being that they will eventually be kind to others because they see the value in them and want to treat them with honor- whether it personally benefits them or not. Because, I believe, if they only treat people well because of what they might get out of it- then that is just a sophisticated form of manipulation. And not at all honorable. And not what I am trying to teach them.
So maybe we start out obeying God because it's what He says to do- but I think at some point He's hoping we get His vision and His heart and we are doing things because it's what is important to Him and not just because it will lead us into a happy and successful life. This self-centered gospel doesn't work because it doesn't exist. If our gospel is self'-centered it is just that- "ours" and has become something we have made - not what God has made. He is anything but self-centered (reference the cross) and His will for us is anything but a life of self-centeredness.(reference any of the disciples)
He says plainly His desire is to be in close relationship with us and for His kingdom to come here on earth. So we have interpreted "His will" to mean whatever sounds good to us. But He again spelled that out clearly,too-His will is to bind up the brokenhearted, to free the captives, to help the poor, release those in darkness, and to comfort those who mourn (Isaiah 61). That's why He came and that's what He told us to do when He left- to finish the work of the One who sent Him. There was no real mention of our personal happiness in all of that. The gospel, if we can simplify it into anything, is not self-centered but others-centered. But even that is not really true because then we can go from being narcissistic and introspective to a self-satisfied do-gooder. Gosh- we can make anything about us can't we? But it's this delicate balance of us being in relationship with Him and doing what He would be doing if He were still here walking this earth- realizing it's all about us and not at all about us.
Every principle he taught tied directly to our own personal happiness and success. It was not a "prosperity" message so much as it was a be-all-you-can-be message. This is not all bad- we should be all God created us to be but if that is our only reason for entering into this Christian walk- to just become the best version of ourself- we are really missing the whole point. We have bought into a Christian version of all the self-help gurus out there.
I have taught my children from the time they were very young to be kind to other people. Sometimes they are, sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are nice only because I said to be nice. And while it is true that being kind to others can a lot of times benefit you personally- that is not why I want them to be kind. I want them to realize the value each person has- that they are precious creations of their God and He adores them. So we should treat them like they are valuable because they are valuable. The thought being that they will eventually be kind to others because they see the value in them and want to treat them with honor- whether it personally benefits them or not. Because, I believe, if they only treat people well because of what they might get out of it- then that is just a sophisticated form of manipulation. And not at all honorable. And not what I am trying to teach them.
So maybe we start out obeying God because it's what He says to do- but I think at some point He's hoping we get His vision and His heart and we are doing things because it's what is important to Him and not just because it will lead us into a happy and successful life. This self-centered gospel doesn't work because it doesn't exist. If our gospel is self'-centered it is just that- "ours" and has become something we have made - not what God has made. He is anything but self-centered (reference the cross) and His will for us is anything but a life of self-centeredness.(reference any of the disciples)
He says plainly His desire is to be in close relationship with us and for His kingdom to come here on earth. So we have interpreted "His will" to mean whatever sounds good to us. But He again spelled that out clearly,too-His will is to bind up the brokenhearted, to free the captives, to help the poor, release those in darkness, and to comfort those who mourn (Isaiah 61). That's why He came and that's what He told us to do when He left- to finish the work of the One who sent Him. There was no real mention of our personal happiness in all of that. The gospel, if we can simplify it into anything, is not self-centered but others-centered. But even that is not really true because then we can go from being narcissistic and introspective to a self-satisfied do-gooder. Gosh- we can make anything about us can't we? But it's this delicate balance of us being in relationship with Him and doing what He would be doing if He were still here walking this earth- realizing it's all about us and not at all about us.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Water fight
It's amazing how your perspective on things changes as you get older. Like the relative who's super cool working at McDonald's when you're 5 but when you're 19- you don't think they or their career path is quite so cool anymore. Or take today for instance...it was Cobb County's last day of school and everyone got out early with the elementary kids to be the last released. The neighborhood moms made a plan for all the parents, middle school kids, and anyone else who wanted to join in to meet the elementary bus at the neighborhood stop and blast the kids with water balloons, water guns, even hoses as they got off the bus to kick off the start of summer. The kids loved it and spent the next hour fighting back until rain and thunder sent everyone home.
Now, if I were to pull into my driveway dressed in my work clothes, or any type of clothes for that matter, and was met by a mob of people prepared to douse me with water-frankly, I would wonder what I had done to piss them all off. I would not be excited, appreciative, or experience any modicum of joy at all. I think this experience ceases to be fun around 15 if you're a boy and 12 if you're a girl.
So is this maturity or do we just become grouchy old people? Maybe both. We are mature enough to know that wet underwear is no fun at all but too grouchy to make the best of it for a short time. But mostly- we don't have the time and energy it takes to redo our hair.
Now, if I were to pull into my driveway dressed in my work clothes, or any type of clothes for that matter, and was met by a mob of people prepared to douse me with water-frankly, I would wonder what I had done to piss them all off. I would not be excited, appreciative, or experience any modicum of joy at all. I think this experience ceases to be fun around 15 if you're a boy and 12 if you're a girl.
So is this maturity or do we just become grouchy old people? Maybe both. We are mature enough to know that wet underwear is no fun at all but too grouchy to make the best of it for a short time. But mostly- we don't have the time and energy it takes to redo our hair.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Novocaine
I haven't posted anything in a few days partially because I have spent a lot of time at the dentist. There's really never a good reason that follows that statement- something is almost always wrong if you are making repeated trips to your dentist's office. And my time there was no exception. They've gone very high tech now with all their fancy gadgets and TV's in every cubicle but you still have to wear those lame sunglasses to protect your eyes from what I guess are ultra-violet death rays coming out of that little lamp. And then they pulled out these 1980's headphones(with all this technology has no one mentioned to them earbuds?) so I could listen to the TV while they did what sounded like building demolition in my mouth. It was all very pleasant. When it was time to leave, the hygienist told me to be careful because that whole side of my mouth would be very numb for a few hours- apparently some people forget this? Or just don't care so they end up biting their cheek or tongue and have this mangled mess in their mouth when the anesthesia wears off which is more painful than the work they had done.
I had a lot of time to think about my numb mouth because I am fortunate enough to be one of the few people who are very sensitive to novocaine and instead of being numb for a couple of hours- my mouth stays numb for the entire day. Lucky me. But as I thought about how easy it would be to accidentally hurt yourself with no feeling in your face- it occurred to me that this happens all the time in everyday life without any novocaine at all.
We all go through things when it seems like the pain of it is too much to bear and I believe a lot of those times God will, like any good physician, give us enough of His grace to "numb"us up. Not that we won't feel it by any means, but He gives us what we need to endure with the goal being to eventually overcome. But sometimes we get stuck in a cycle of trying so hard not to feel anything as we go through that we start to self-medicate. Maybe drugs or alcohol but maybe not. Maybe a job or a hobby or taking care of somebody else or shopping or eating or exercising...we're a creative bunch so we can come up with all kinds of things to keep from dealing with what is really going on in our lives. And it works so we keep on doing it- maybe even for years, until one day- we have to wake up and deal with the mangled mess we have created while trying to avoid the original pain. Because when we're busy numbing ourselves- we can't feel what we are doing to those around us or even ourselves and we inevitably do damage we never intended.
I can tell you that the pain you think you cannot bear- you can if you let Him in the pain with you. The things you think you cannot face- you can if you let Him face them with you. He is faithful- not because He's God and He has to be but because He is who He is and He loves you even in your numbed up state making a mangled mess of everything. He loves you no less in your mess. (that rhymed and it was a total accident! but I like it- it's a good motto!)
I had a lot of time to think about my numb mouth because I am fortunate enough to be one of the few people who are very sensitive to novocaine and instead of being numb for a couple of hours- my mouth stays numb for the entire day. Lucky me. But as I thought about how easy it would be to accidentally hurt yourself with no feeling in your face- it occurred to me that this happens all the time in everyday life without any novocaine at all.
We all go through things when it seems like the pain of it is too much to bear and I believe a lot of those times God will, like any good physician, give us enough of His grace to "numb"us up. Not that we won't feel it by any means, but He gives us what we need to endure with the goal being to eventually overcome. But sometimes we get stuck in a cycle of trying so hard not to feel anything as we go through that we start to self-medicate. Maybe drugs or alcohol but maybe not. Maybe a job or a hobby or taking care of somebody else or shopping or eating or exercising...we're a creative bunch so we can come up with all kinds of things to keep from dealing with what is really going on in our lives. And it works so we keep on doing it- maybe even for years, until one day- we have to wake up and deal with the mangled mess we have created while trying to avoid the original pain. Because when we're busy numbing ourselves- we can't feel what we are doing to those around us or even ourselves and we inevitably do damage we never intended.
I can tell you that the pain you think you cannot bear- you can if you let Him in the pain with you. The things you think you cannot face- you can if you let Him face them with you. He is faithful- not because He's God and He has to be but because He is who He is and He loves you even in your numbed up state making a mangled mess of everything. He loves you no less in your mess. (that rhymed and it was a total accident! but I like it- it's a good motto!)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Unfair
I have been accused by my one of my children of being unfair...that I create rules for this one that I don't have for the others. This child contends that they are treated differently from the other two. And what is my answer to these trumped-up charges? Probably so. (if you are familiar with Danny Silk you will particularly appreciate my answer)
See- I have already said that I do not enjoy a lot of structure which naturally lends itself to a home without a lot of rules. Any rules we do have serve a specific purpose. For instance- Brandt has rules about video games- what games, how long, and what times because he plays video games frequently enough that he needs some guidelines concerning them. The girls do not so they have no video game rules. If I made our rules a one-size-fits-all we would end up with a mess.
I think there are times the Lord tries to parent us the same way and we react with the same response as my child-"You are unfair and treat me differently than everyone else- no one else has to do (or NOT do) this!" I mean there are, obviously, rules He has put in place that are for everyone. What I am talking about is the not so black and white stuff- the gray areas as we like to call them. The places He calls us to do things differently than people around us- even Christian people.
I will give an example from my own life (I will use one that I actually obeyed the Lord on as these examples are more rare than the times I disobeyed) He put it in my heart at a very young age not to drink alcohol. Even as an adult- I still feel just as strongly that this is what He has asked me to do as I did when I was younger. When people find this out- especially non-Christians -it always brings the inevitable question- "Do you think it's a sin to drink?" First- the good thing for everyone is- I don't get to decide if anything is a sin or not. Second- maybe this comes from being a Christian a while- but I'm really not much concerned with whether something is a "sin". I'm more concerned with what He thinks than what I can analyze and try to justify having in my life. I just know He has told me this isn't good for me and I have to trust He knows what he's talking about. I know with my own kids, like Brandt's video games- I don't put rules in place unless they need them. So if He's telling me I should stay away from alcohol- it's probably because He knows this might be a problem for me.
Drinking may not be an area He has spoken to you about- and that's what I love so much about Him. He is so very personal. He is not a one-size-fits-all God. He knows us each individually and while His holiness never changes, His goodness never falters, His righteousness is never diminished- He calls us to areas of holiness individually in our lives and if we will only listen we'll realize it's more about protecting us than Him. Our desire should be for His glory to be known but His desire is for relationship with us and for that to happen- He wants to keep us from all the things that stop us from being close to Him. I don't limit Brandt's time on video games because I hate games or want to show him who's in charge. I just don't want to lose him to a virtual reality- I want to see him, talk to him, laugh with him- I want him to enjoy real life outside of that little room- playing sports, hanging out with friends...I want better for him than what those games have to offer.
The Lord loves us in the same way, only a million times more. If we would only let Him father us-" ..how I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing..."(Matthew 23:37) Oh that we would be willing! He is so good - even in His unfairness- He is so good! But most of the time we are unwilling and we plunge ourselves into activities and habits He never meant for us and we move further away from the person He created us to be and the relationship He created us for. How many times have we broken His heart? How many times has He shown us a better way only for us to tell Him He's unfair and head off down a path of our own making? I'm sure more times than I can count in my own life. But He keeps calling- keeps pointing me back to the path He had in mind because He wants my obedience- He wants my trust- but more than all of that- He wants me, my whole heart moving through life fully in His presence .
See- I have already said that I do not enjoy a lot of structure which naturally lends itself to a home without a lot of rules. Any rules we do have serve a specific purpose. For instance- Brandt has rules about video games- what games, how long, and what times because he plays video games frequently enough that he needs some guidelines concerning them. The girls do not so they have no video game rules. If I made our rules a one-size-fits-all we would end up with a mess.
I think there are times the Lord tries to parent us the same way and we react with the same response as my child-"You are unfair and treat me differently than everyone else- no one else has to do (or NOT do) this!" I mean there are, obviously, rules He has put in place that are for everyone. What I am talking about is the not so black and white stuff- the gray areas as we like to call them. The places He calls us to do things differently than people around us- even Christian people.
I will give an example from my own life (I will use one that I actually obeyed the Lord on as these examples are more rare than the times I disobeyed) He put it in my heart at a very young age not to drink alcohol. Even as an adult- I still feel just as strongly that this is what He has asked me to do as I did when I was younger. When people find this out- especially non-Christians -it always brings the inevitable question- "Do you think it's a sin to drink?" First- the good thing for everyone is- I don't get to decide if anything is a sin or not. Second- maybe this comes from being a Christian a while- but I'm really not much concerned with whether something is a "sin". I'm more concerned with what He thinks than what I can analyze and try to justify having in my life. I just know He has told me this isn't good for me and I have to trust He knows what he's talking about. I know with my own kids, like Brandt's video games- I don't put rules in place unless they need them. So if He's telling me I should stay away from alcohol- it's probably because He knows this might be a problem for me.
Drinking may not be an area He has spoken to you about- and that's what I love so much about Him. He is so very personal. He is not a one-size-fits-all God. He knows us each individually and while His holiness never changes, His goodness never falters, His righteousness is never diminished- He calls us to areas of holiness individually in our lives and if we will only listen we'll realize it's more about protecting us than Him. Our desire should be for His glory to be known but His desire is for relationship with us and for that to happen- He wants to keep us from all the things that stop us from being close to Him. I don't limit Brandt's time on video games because I hate games or want to show him who's in charge. I just don't want to lose him to a virtual reality- I want to see him, talk to him, laugh with him- I want him to enjoy real life outside of that little room- playing sports, hanging out with friends...I want better for him than what those games have to offer.
The Lord loves us in the same way, only a million times more. If we would only let Him father us-" ..how I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing..."(Matthew 23:37) Oh that we would be willing! He is so good - even in His unfairness- He is so good! But most of the time we are unwilling and we plunge ourselves into activities and habits He never meant for us and we move further away from the person He created us to be and the relationship He created us for. How many times have we broken His heart? How many times has He shown us a better way only for us to tell Him He's unfair and head off down a path of our own making? I'm sure more times than I can count in my own life. But He keeps calling- keeps pointing me back to the path He had in mind because He wants my obedience- He wants my trust- but more than all of that- He wants me, my whole heart moving through life fully in His presence .
Friday, May 14, 2010
Revisiting bath time
I know I just talked about this a couple of days ago but I need to put to rest any thoughts that I might have been exaggerating. Last night- both the girls were at a friend's house in the back of the neighborhood and Brad and Brandt were in the middle of a MLB 2k10 tournament- the perfect time to take advantage of the quiet and take a bath. I slipped upstairs and no sooner had I turned the water off- I hear the front door open, the girls walk in and Kenzie say"Dad- where's mom?" (I am not making this up) How they knew I was in the bath when they weren't even in the house is beyond me- but they have like a sixth sense for this, I'm telling you.
Well, Brad read my last post about the bath and was slightly offended at his being portrayed as one who is not sympathetic with my battle for quiet time- so he begins to talk to Kenzie and tries to distract her from coming to disrupt the bath- but see- and here is the rookie mistake he makes..he doesn't realize Kenzie's not the actual attack on the bathtime...she's just the diversion.
While he's busy "stopping" Kenzie- Halle sneaks up the stairs and before Brad even knows what's happened- I have had an entire discussion on Halle's current hairstyle and how it can be better fixed in the future and am in the middle of reliving her cheer exhibition from that day.( Did I miss the exhibition, you ask? No- I made my third trip to the school yesterday just to see the cheerleaders perform. This is more like a highlight video without the actual video.) We are into cheer number 3- Brad's favorite, according to Halle, when Brad finally realizes his line of defense has been compromised. (I think it was the incessant jumping up and down on the hard woods upstairs that gave it away)
See, we're the parents and we think if we work together- we can win- but we can't. It's an exercise in futility- it just wears us down to try. I will never have an uninterrupted bath time. I have accepted this. When the kids leave home, you say...but I know better. They're little bathtime terrorists and they will use any means necessary- they will drop in to visit or call with an emergency (like how to make a grilled cheese sandwich or what to do if you've turned all your white laundry pink). They will stop at nothing.
Well, Brad read my last post about the bath and was slightly offended at his being portrayed as one who is not sympathetic with my battle for quiet time- so he begins to talk to Kenzie and tries to distract her from coming to disrupt the bath- but see- and here is the rookie mistake he makes..he doesn't realize Kenzie's not the actual attack on the bathtime...she's just the diversion.
While he's busy "stopping" Kenzie- Halle sneaks up the stairs and before Brad even knows what's happened- I have had an entire discussion on Halle's current hairstyle and how it can be better fixed in the future and am in the middle of reliving her cheer exhibition from that day.( Did I miss the exhibition, you ask? No- I made my third trip to the school yesterday just to see the cheerleaders perform. This is more like a highlight video without the actual video.) We are into cheer number 3- Brad's favorite, according to Halle, when Brad finally realizes his line of defense has been compromised. (I think it was the incessant jumping up and down on the hard woods upstairs that gave it away)
See, we're the parents and we think if we work together- we can win- but we can't. It's an exercise in futility- it just wears us down to try. I will never have an uninterrupted bath time. I have accepted this. When the kids leave home, you say...but I know better. They're little bathtime terrorists and they will use any means necessary- they will drop in to visit or call with an emergency (like how to make a grilled cheese sandwich or what to do if you've turned all your white laundry pink). They will stop at nothing.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Summer
Today is my last homeschool day of this school year. I cannot adequately express with words how I feel when a school year ends. Ecstatic? Is that too strong a word? No- maybe not strong enough. I would blame it on the fact that we homeschool part of the time but really it's not even that. I have always, always loved summer. I thought when I grew up- I would move on to loving more sophisticated, grown-up seasons like fall perhaps. But it didn't happen. I still absolutely love summer.
I read an article about how moms hate summer after the first 2 weeks because they want to be back on a schedule, in a routine. Not me. I actually have discovered after trying to grow up and be a "normal" mom that I do not really like a lot of structure- no matter how hard I try. I love staying up late, putting together puzzles, watching movies. I love not having anywhere to go except the pool or the park. I love being able to pack up and leave town if we feel like it at the last minute. I love the sound of kids running in and out of my house all day (although this is not much different during the school year). I love flip flops and tank tops. And I love the sound of the ice cream churn whirring on the porch. This has always been the signal of the official start of summer- the first batch of homemade ice cream.
The big debate these days in the school world is year-round school. Educators love it, students hate it. I know if we ever make the switch to year round school I may need medication. I think summer should start Memorial Day and end Labor Day. I mean- isn't that what those holidays are really for? To signal the beginning and end of summer? I cannot imagine summer lasting a mere 6 weeks. Year-round school to me is like the death of the summer season. But now with school budget cuts, Cobb county is actually cutting school days- we are up to 5 right now. So for atleast another year- I am saved from the threat of year-round school, but more than that- summer is safe.
I read an article about how moms hate summer after the first 2 weeks because they want to be back on a schedule, in a routine. Not me. I actually have discovered after trying to grow up and be a "normal" mom that I do not really like a lot of structure- no matter how hard I try. I love staying up late, putting together puzzles, watching movies. I love not having anywhere to go except the pool or the park. I love being able to pack up and leave town if we feel like it at the last minute. I love the sound of kids running in and out of my house all day (although this is not much different during the school year). I love flip flops and tank tops. And I love the sound of the ice cream churn whirring on the porch. This has always been the signal of the official start of summer- the first batch of homemade ice cream.
The big debate these days in the school world is year-round school. Educators love it, students hate it. I know if we ever make the switch to year round school I may need medication. I think summer should start Memorial Day and end Labor Day. I mean- isn't that what those holidays are really for? To signal the beginning and end of summer? I cannot imagine summer lasting a mere 6 weeks. Year-round school to me is like the death of the summer season. But now with school budget cuts, Cobb county is actually cutting school days- we are up to 5 right now. So for atleast another year- I am saved from the threat of year-round school, but more than that- summer is safe.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Bath time
As a mom there is very little down time in my life- atleast any that doesn't involve kids anyway. Years ago I decided the best way to get a few minutes alone would be to take a bath - kind of de-stress, have a little quiet time, and pray. The plan was to slip off to the bathroom close to bedtime and while Brad put the kids to bed, I would have my 20 minutes alone. That is rarely how it has gone.
On one evening when Brandt was about 4- I was very pregnant with Halle and we were down to one working bathroom. Brad had taken him off to bed and I was just settling my very large self into the tub when there was a frantic knock (more like beating) at the door. Brandt was yelling he HAS to come in- he HAS to go to the bathroom (remember we only have one)- so I do my very best with what seemed like tiny wash rags (really I think they were normal size- they just seemed tiny in proportion to my oversized preganant self)- to strategically cover areas and let him come in to use the bathroom. He burst through the door and in his hurry- his aim is off and he pees on me. Very relaxing.
It seems that whenever the kids hear the water running- it's like the Bat-signal for them to come running. Brandt went through several years when he was younger that whenever I took a bath he wanted to be in my bedroom playing some video game with lots of gun fighting. There is nothing quite so relaxing as heavy artillery fire in the next room.
Halle, however,will not settle for being in the room next to me. She wants to be right there in the bathroom with her, usually dirty, feet hanging in the tub. I can have worship music on, my devotional out- and she will just plop herself right down on the edge of the tub- put her feet in and as my water turns a murky brown from the dirt - she will launch, undeterred by the music or me reading, into a very important conversation about whatever is very important to her that evening. Last night, she stopped the converastion long enough to let me know the rag I just used to wash my face is the same rag she used the night before to clean her feet after the garage sale.
Nice.
And we can't forget Kenzie- she wants to have entire conversations with me through the bathroom door while the water is running which go a lot like this : " Mom..MOM."..."What?"..."Can I mmm gggrrrr pllllp?" "What?" "I said...nnlll to pppll?" "What
?? I CANNOT hear you?! Open the door!" to which she will finally open the door "I said can I go online and buy a pair of shoes?" "Kenzie, can this not wait 20 minutes?" "MOM- they only have one pair left in my size!"
It is amazing the things that become absolute emergencies once I am sitting naked in a foot of water. And where- you ask- is Brad during all this? I have asked myself the same thing. I mean, this started with him putting the kids to bed, right? But they are obviously not in bed since they are all in or near the bathroom with me. All I can figure is what has started out as "me" time has turned into "Brad" time. He's no dummy- he knows that water is like a magnet for those kids and I think as soon as he hears it- he's off doing who knows what because he knows as long as I'm in that tub he's got 20-30 minutes of undisturbed quiet.
On one evening when Brandt was about 4- I was very pregnant with Halle and we were down to one working bathroom. Brad had taken him off to bed and I was just settling my very large self into the tub when there was a frantic knock (more like beating) at the door. Brandt was yelling he HAS to come in- he HAS to go to the bathroom (remember we only have one)- so I do my very best with what seemed like tiny wash rags (really I think they were normal size- they just seemed tiny in proportion to my oversized preganant self)- to strategically cover areas and let him come in to use the bathroom. He burst through the door and in his hurry- his aim is off and he pees on me. Very relaxing.
It seems that whenever the kids hear the water running- it's like the Bat-signal for them to come running. Brandt went through several years when he was younger that whenever I took a bath he wanted to be in my bedroom playing some video game with lots of gun fighting. There is nothing quite so relaxing as heavy artillery fire in the next room.
Halle, however,will not settle for being in the room next to me. She wants to be right there in the bathroom with her, usually dirty, feet hanging in the tub. I can have worship music on, my devotional out- and she will just plop herself right down on the edge of the tub- put her feet in and as my water turns a murky brown from the dirt - she will launch, undeterred by the music or me reading, into a very important conversation about whatever is very important to her that evening. Last night, she stopped the converastion long enough to let me know the rag I just used to wash my face is the same rag she used the night before to clean her feet after the garage sale.
Nice.
And we can't forget Kenzie- she wants to have entire conversations with me through the bathroom door while the water is running which go a lot like this : " Mom..MOM."..."What?"..."Can I mmm gggrrrr pllllp?" "What?" "I said...nnlll to pppll?" "What
?? I CANNOT hear you?! Open the door!" to which she will finally open the door "I said can I go online and buy a pair of shoes?" "Kenzie, can this not wait 20 minutes?" "MOM- they only have one pair left in my size!"
It is amazing the things that become absolute emergencies once I am sitting naked in a foot of water. And where- you ask- is Brad during all this? I have asked myself the same thing. I mean, this started with him putting the kids to bed, right? But they are obviously not in bed since they are all in or near the bathroom with me. All I can figure is what has started out as "me" time has turned into "Brad" time. He's no dummy- he knows that water is like a magnet for those kids and I think as soon as he hears it- he's off doing who knows what because he knows as long as I'm in that tub he's got 20-30 minutes of undisturbed quiet.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day. I have spent most of the day being catered to by my wonderful family and have been asked repeatedly what I want to do. How nice would it be if every day was like this one? Or would that just get really old?
There is a line in a song that says "We're all caught up in pretending that what we're seeking is the Truth- but we're all looking for a happy ending"... I think this is painfully true, especially in our culture. We sit in our churches and say we are Truth-seekers-We tell God we want more of Him, we want His purpose in our lives and then things don't go our way and we cry like a petulant child and call His character and His very affection for us in to question. We want things to go well for us and that is more important to us than Truth most of the time.
Somewhere I think our theology has mixed with our American culture and we believe God's will for us IS the American dream. Successful careers, happy families, all our physical needs not only met but met in excess with most of our wants fulfilled as well- then we will be a shining light to our community, His hands and feet to those in need. Living life as Christ would have us is the icing on the cake of our lives. And if it's not happening that way for us- if success eludes us, or our kids are struggling, or our health is failing- what happens to our theology? We either decide that none of these things are God's will or we are doing something to screw it up and keeping God from blessing us like He surely wants to.
Both lines of thought are dangerous and poor attempts to interpret Christ through our circumstances instead of intrepeting our circumstances through who we know Christ to be. If His will for us is merely for us to be happy and live pleasant lives- things would have gone much better for His disciples, I would think. I believe He has something much deeper and much more fulfilling for us than just a nice life. I do not pretend to be an expert here- just someone who has had their foundation shaken to the point that some of these externals have had to fall away and the only thing left in places is Him. I can no longer measure my worth based on the results of my parenting, the amount of savings in the bank, or how well I take care of myself (health-wise). Over the last few years I have seen how easily these things can be gone and I have run the gamut between guilt and anger many times over and where I have ultimately landed is, fortunately, the only place that matters- His arms. Have I made mistakes? Oh my gosh, yes. Have I caused all this stuff to happen? No way. Has God? I wager again to say, no way.
So if this is not God's doing and I didn't screw it all up- what is the answer? I say with full confidence, I don't exactly know. I know life happens to everyone. We don't know what ours will hold and most of it is completely out of our control- we can pray, we can fight, but most importantly, we have to trust. Trust the One who made us, who loves us, who knows us. And know that His will and our idea of His will may be worlds apart. The American dream is alive and well, but may not be His best for our lives. It most definitely sounds the most appealing- but will it make the biggest difference to those around us? Not every season of our lives will be a difficult one but when it is-Maybe we get something that is bigger than the American dream- maybe we get His vision, His dream.. Maybe we live for Him through pain and trials and difficulty- and the beauty He brings out of our lives is the icing on the cake.
There is a line in a song that says "We're all caught up in pretending that what we're seeking is the Truth- but we're all looking for a happy ending"... I think this is painfully true, especially in our culture. We sit in our churches and say we are Truth-seekers-We tell God we want more of Him, we want His purpose in our lives and then things don't go our way and we cry like a petulant child and call His character and His very affection for us in to question. We want things to go well for us and that is more important to us than Truth most of the time.
Somewhere I think our theology has mixed with our American culture and we believe God's will for us IS the American dream. Successful careers, happy families, all our physical needs not only met but met in excess with most of our wants fulfilled as well- then we will be a shining light to our community, His hands and feet to those in need. Living life as Christ would have us is the icing on the cake of our lives. And if it's not happening that way for us- if success eludes us, or our kids are struggling, or our health is failing- what happens to our theology? We either decide that none of these things are God's will or we are doing something to screw it up and keeping God from blessing us like He surely wants to.
Both lines of thought are dangerous and poor attempts to interpret Christ through our circumstances instead of intrepeting our circumstances through who we know Christ to be. If His will for us is merely for us to be happy and live pleasant lives- things would have gone much better for His disciples, I would think. I believe He has something much deeper and much more fulfilling for us than just a nice life. I do not pretend to be an expert here- just someone who has had their foundation shaken to the point that some of these externals have had to fall away and the only thing left in places is Him. I can no longer measure my worth based on the results of my parenting, the amount of savings in the bank, or how well I take care of myself (health-wise). Over the last few years I have seen how easily these things can be gone and I have run the gamut between guilt and anger many times over and where I have ultimately landed is, fortunately, the only place that matters- His arms. Have I made mistakes? Oh my gosh, yes. Have I caused all this stuff to happen? No way. Has God? I wager again to say, no way.
So if this is not God's doing and I didn't screw it all up- what is the answer? I say with full confidence, I don't exactly know. I know life happens to everyone. We don't know what ours will hold and most of it is completely out of our control- we can pray, we can fight, but most importantly, we have to trust. Trust the One who made us, who loves us, who knows us. And know that His will and our idea of His will may be worlds apart. The American dream is alive and well, but may not be His best for our lives. It most definitely sounds the most appealing- but will it make the biggest difference to those around us? Not every season of our lives will be a difficult one but when it is-Maybe we get something that is bigger than the American dream- maybe we get His vision, His dream.. Maybe we live for Him through pain and trials and difficulty- and the beauty He brings out of our lives is the icing on the cake.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Carpool
Yesterday was my day for carpool. This is not something I think anyone particularly looks forward to primarily because of the huge chunk of time it takes out of your day.I met at CFA at 5 to pick up everyone then drove across town to drop off the first group at football practice, stopped for gas, then headed about 30 minutes the other direction for the next drop-off, then grabbed fast food for myself and headed back to watch the rest of football and bring the boys home. Not the most rewarding way to spend your night but sometimes,like last night, it pays off.
I was driving Brandt and two of his friends home from their second week of JV football practice. The boys were unusually talkative as they relived moments from practice- the good and the bad. They all agreed they couldn't wait until next year when they wouldn't be freshmen anymore and they would know all the plays. Talk soon turned to last season on the middle school team and how awesome they each were at their respective positions. I would give anything to have had this recorded. It was so funny- I mean, the testosterone was just flowing in that car! But then one of the boys said something that, besides being ridiculously funny, was actually quite profound.
They were talking about different plays from the games they played last season- incredible interceptions, unbelievable touchdowns, amazing tackles,..and Connor says"Yeah- the best play of the season for me was in that game and only me and my dad remember it." Now we are all dying laughing, thinking if it was so incredible- how come you two are the only ones who remember it? But he is dead serious and goes on to explain how even in the highlight video- you see Brandt running the ball for this awesome touchdown and off to the side you can see a giant kid that was coming to take Brandt out- get tackled. You don't see who tackles him or how- but the tackle is made and Brandt breezes into the endzone unobstructed. Then you hear the crowd, the team, the coaches yelling "Way to go, Brandt!" But the kid who made that touchdown possible was Connor and nobody noticed...except his dad.
I thought about that all night. Connor laughed as he told us that story and we laughed with him because, frankly, it was funny, especially when Connor told it. I was pretty amazed by the whole thing, though, considering how much we all are dying for affirmation and recognition most of the time. He would have loved everybody to notice what he did, but it was enough that his dad saw and they could relive that moment together.."Do you remember, Connor, when you took out that kid twice your size, to save the touchdown and help win the game?..Man, that was awesome." Some of us don't have those kind of dad moments from childhood and we envy Connor because he does but what's worse than missing out on those past moments is living your entire life and missing out on these moments with your Abba Father. He sees everything you do that feels overlooked and unnoticed. He says "Do you remember- when you did more than was asked of you, loved more than necessary, forgave when no one was sorry, gave more than you had to give? That was so awesome!" He sees, He knows and He loves us so so much. He is a Dad like no other and He never misses a moment. We can say with confidence- "My best moment of the season and only me and My Dad remember it" and like Connor, if we really know our Father's love for us, it will be more than enough.
**(As an added note for anyone who read my last blog- Brandt forgot his football helmet when we left practice last night- he did,however, remember his shoes.)**
I was driving Brandt and two of his friends home from their second week of JV football practice. The boys were unusually talkative as they relived moments from practice- the good and the bad. They all agreed they couldn't wait until next year when they wouldn't be freshmen anymore and they would know all the plays. Talk soon turned to last season on the middle school team and how awesome they each were at their respective positions. I would give anything to have had this recorded. It was so funny- I mean, the testosterone was just flowing in that car! But then one of the boys said something that, besides being ridiculously funny, was actually quite profound.
They were talking about different plays from the games they played last season- incredible interceptions, unbelievable touchdowns, amazing tackles,..and Connor says"Yeah- the best play of the season for me was in that game and only me and my dad remember it." Now we are all dying laughing, thinking if it was so incredible- how come you two are the only ones who remember it? But he is dead serious and goes on to explain how even in the highlight video- you see Brandt running the ball for this awesome touchdown and off to the side you can see a giant kid that was coming to take Brandt out- get tackled. You don't see who tackles him or how- but the tackle is made and Brandt breezes into the endzone unobstructed. Then you hear the crowd, the team, the coaches yelling "Way to go, Brandt!" But the kid who made that touchdown possible was Connor and nobody noticed...except his dad.
I thought about that all night. Connor laughed as he told us that story and we laughed with him because, frankly, it was funny, especially when Connor told it. I was pretty amazed by the whole thing, though, considering how much we all are dying for affirmation and recognition most of the time. He would have loved everybody to notice what he did, but it was enough that his dad saw and they could relive that moment together.."Do you remember, Connor, when you took out that kid twice your size, to save the touchdown and help win the game?..Man, that was awesome." Some of us don't have those kind of dad moments from childhood and we envy Connor because he does but what's worse than missing out on those past moments is living your entire life and missing out on these moments with your Abba Father. He sees everything you do that feels overlooked and unnoticed. He says "Do you remember- when you did more than was asked of you, loved more than necessary, forgave when no one was sorry, gave more than you had to give? That was so awesome!" He sees, He knows and He loves us so so much. He is a Dad like no other and He never misses a moment. We can say with confidence- "My best moment of the season and only me and My Dad remember it" and like Connor, if we really know our Father's love for us, it will be more than enough.
**(As an added note for anyone who read my last blog- Brandt forgot his football helmet when we left practice last night- he did,however, remember his shoes.)**
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Brandt
Brandt is my 13 -almost 14-year old son. He is an incredible kid- extremely athletic, off the charts smart, compassionate, funny...but he is also forgetful. I don't know how you can be so incredibly smart and forget so many things. I have at times wondered if it's possible that he has no short term memory but then he remembers trivial, insignificant things like the migratory pattern of the hummingbird while forgetting important things, like, his shoes. We have actually left to go out to eat, gotten to the restaurant- and Brandt climbs out of the car and says "Hey, I don't have any shoes." Wow.
Another time when we were about to leave for soccer- I told him to go out to the garage, get his cleats- put them on, and get in the car. I hear him head down the steps, the front door opens then closes, a couple minutes pass- I hear the door open and close again and Brandt's voice "Mom- what was I looking for?" Even if he's not listening to me (which I'm pretty sure he's not) by process of elimination it seems to me he could figure out "Hey- I'm in the garage looking for something that probably has to do with where I'm going which is soccer-hmm, is it the rake? No... mower?No... wheelbarrow? nope... CLEATS! That's right!"
Over Spring Break we went to Guatemala on a mission trip. In the Atlanta airport- between security and our gate he managed to lose his belt, his passport, his backpack(this had all his insulin,needles and monitor for his diabetes), and his sweatshirt. That was before we even left the country!! Fortunately- his friends managed to recover all his belongings for him before he missed them.
Last week, he forgot he had a giant box cutter in his pocket and took it to school with him. You can imagine the phone call I got from the principal. How do you forget you have a giant metal thing in your pocket? You're Brandt, that's how.
I'm not sure there is any point to me telling you this except that I need someone to share my pain. This is what I live with daily. But I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is so great that mostly his forgetfulness doesn't matter (until you're stuck in a foreign country without a passport- thank you Jordan for saving us from this). I have full confidence it will not interfere with him leading an incredible life- he may just not have shoes on for large chunks of it.
Another time when we were about to leave for soccer- I told him to go out to the garage, get his cleats- put them on, and get in the car. I hear him head down the steps, the front door opens then closes, a couple minutes pass- I hear the door open and close again and Brandt's voice "Mom- what was I looking for?" Even if he's not listening to me (which I'm pretty sure he's not) by process of elimination it seems to me he could figure out "Hey- I'm in the garage looking for something that probably has to do with where I'm going which is soccer-hmm, is it the rake? No... mower?No... wheelbarrow? nope... CLEATS! That's right!"
Over Spring Break we went to Guatemala on a mission trip. In the Atlanta airport- between security and our gate he managed to lose his belt, his passport, his backpack(this had all his insulin,needles and monitor for his diabetes), and his sweatshirt. That was before we even left the country!! Fortunately- his friends managed to recover all his belongings for him before he missed them.
Last week, he forgot he had a giant box cutter in his pocket and took it to school with him. You can imagine the phone call I got from the principal. How do you forget you have a giant metal thing in your pocket? You're Brandt, that's how.
I'm not sure there is any point to me telling you this except that I need someone to share my pain. This is what I live with daily. But I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is so great that mostly his forgetfulness doesn't matter (until you're stuck in a foreign country without a passport- thank you Jordan for saving us from this). I have full confidence it will not interfere with him leading an incredible life- he may just not have shoes on for large chunks of it.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Mountain
Today Brad and I decided we needed to get away for a few hours so we blew off church and headed for the mountain. Not something we normally do because we hate to miss services at Riverstone but it was what we needed. The plan was to hike up the trail then run back down the road. This served two purposes- first, we needed to run a little and it's incredibly difficult to run down the trail without inflicting some kind of injury on yourself or people in front of you and second, there are some incredible views as you wind down the road that you miss on the trail(particularly if you are rolling head over foot down the trail because you tried to run it).
The hike up was good. We stopped at the top parking lot long enough to catch our breath and then headed back down. There were several groups of bird watchers and photographers coming up the road. We stopped at the overlooks as we came to them as we made our way down. About a third of the way down we passed a few people that were obviously part of the bird watching group but had lagged behind. The guy in the very back came walking up with binoculars around his neck, camera in hand and yelled to the people ahead of him "This place Sucks!" Apparently there was something in particular he was there to see and he was not seeing it. Now in the moment Brad and I thought this was pretty funny but I thought about it as we ran the rest of the way down the mountain.
Brad was talking about how clean and fresh everything smelled, we passed dogwood bushes growing wild-in full bloom, hawks were circling overhead and I wondered how anyone could think this place sucks? It's beautiful and peaceful but if you are only looking for one thing I guess you miss everything else. So then I wondered, how many times have I been the "this sucks" guy? How many times have I been looking for only one thing in particular to the exclusion of everything else? It's exactly what Judas did. Think about this guy who spends what? Like three years with Jesus? Walking, eating, spending every day side by side learning from God Himself- and he missed it? How is that even possible? Don't we always say if Jesus would just reveal Himself to us- speak to us- walk with us...then we could follow Him, do His will, forgive others, etc...? But that's exactly what Judas had and he handed Him over for 30 pieces of silver. How could he do that if Jesus was so loving, so good, so, well, Jesus-y?
I think it's because he was looking for one thing- which was for the Jews to be delivered from the Roman oppression they lived under. Now this is not a bad thing to want- it's a very righteous thing to want freedom. But he wanted this one thing more than he wanted the Messiah. He wanted what Christ would bring more than he wanted Christ Himself. That is a problem. And you see how it worked out for Judas- not well. Maybe that's an extreme example but I know I've done this many times in my own life.
I ask for things from Him that are good and right to ask- but then I set my heart on those things and when He doesn't answer the way I wanted- I am offended, disappointed, disillusioned and I miss everything else He is doing around me...and I would wager to say He's heart broken. I have to choose now to stay offended and nurse my wounds or turn my heart back to Him- ask Him to realign me with His will and His purposes,to gain His vision, to let Him heal the places where I have felt let down by Him, and trust , once again, in His goodness and His faithfulness.
It's hard to do sometimes and it's taken me longer than I would like to admit on some occasions to stop being offended- but I'm so glad He is patient with me and gracious in my times of doubt. He may not always do what I want but He is always good. And if I can just keep my heart set on Him, I will not be the "this sucks" guy anymore.
The hike up was good. We stopped at the top parking lot long enough to catch our breath and then headed back down. There were several groups of bird watchers and photographers coming up the road. We stopped at the overlooks as we came to them as we made our way down. About a third of the way down we passed a few people that were obviously part of the bird watching group but had lagged behind. The guy in the very back came walking up with binoculars around his neck, camera in hand and yelled to the people ahead of him "This place Sucks!" Apparently there was something in particular he was there to see and he was not seeing it. Now in the moment Brad and I thought this was pretty funny but I thought about it as we ran the rest of the way down the mountain.
Brad was talking about how clean and fresh everything smelled, we passed dogwood bushes growing wild-in full bloom, hawks were circling overhead and I wondered how anyone could think this place sucks? It's beautiful and peaceful but if you are only looking for one thing I guess you miss everything else. So then I wondered, how many times have I been the "this sucks" guy? How many times have I been looking for only one thing in particular to the exclusion of everything else? It's exactly what Judas did. Think about this guy who spends what? Like three years with Jesus? Walking, eating, spending every day side by side learning from God Himself- and he missed it? How is that even possible? Don't we always say if Jesus would just reveal Himself to us- speak to us- walk with us...then we could follow Him, do His will, forgive others, etc...? But that's exactly what Judas had and he handed Him over for 30 pieces of silver. How could he do that if Jesus was so loving, so good, so, well, Jesus-y?
I think it's because he was looking for one thing- which was for the Jews to be delivered from the Roman oppression they lived under. Now this is not a bad thing to want- it's a very righteous thing to want freedom. But he wanted this one thing more than he wanted the Messiah. He wanted what Christ would bring more than he wanted Christ Himself. That is a problem. And you see how it worked out for Judas- not well. Maybe that's an extreme example but I know I've done this many times in my own life.
I ask for things from Him that are good and right to ask- but then I set my heart on those things and when He doesn't answer the way I wanted- I am offended, disappointed, disillusioned and I miss everything else He is doing around me...and I would wager to say He's heart broken. I have to choose now to stay offended and nurse my wounds or turn my heart back to Him- ask Him to realign me with His will and His purposes,to gain His vision, to let Him heal the places where I have felt let down by Him, and trust , once again, in His goodness and His faithfulness.
It's hard to do sometimes and it's taken me longer than I would like to admit on some occasions to stop being offended- but I'm so glad He is patient with me and gracious in my times of doubt. He may not always do what I want but He is always good. And if I can just keep my heart set on Him, I will not be the "this sucks" guy anymore.
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