I know I just talked about this a couple of days ago but I need to put to rest any thoughts that I might have been exaggerating. Last night- both the girls were at a friend's house in the back of the neighborhood and Brad and Brandt were in the middle of a MLB 2k10 tournament- the perfect time to take advantage of the quiet and take a bath. I slipped upstairs and no sooner had I turned the water off- I hear the front door open, the girls walk in and Kenzie say"Dad- where's mom?" (I am not making this up) How they knew I was in the bath when they weren't even in the house is beyond me- but they have like a sixth sense for this, I'm telling you.
Well, Brad read my last post about the bath and was slightly offended at his being portrayed as one who is not sympathetic with my battle for quiet time- so he begins to talk to Kenzie and tries to distract her from coming to disrupt the bath- but see- and here is the rookie mistake he makes..he doesn't realize Kenzie's not the actual attack on the bathtime...she's just the diversion.
While he's busy "stopping" Kenzie- Halle sneaks up the stairs and before Brad even knows what's happened- I have had an entire discussion on Halle's current hairstyle and how it can be better fixed in the future and am in the middle of reliving her cheer exhibition from that day.( Did I miss the exhibition, you ask? No- I made my third trip to the school yesterday just to see the cheerleaders perform. This is more like a highlight video without the actual video.) We are into cheer number 3- Brad's favorite, according to Halle, when Brad finally realizes his line of defense has been compromised. (I think it was the incessant jumping up and down on the hard woods upstairs that gave it away)
See, we're the parents and we think if we work together- we can win- but we can't. It's an exercise in futility- it just wears us down to try. I will never have an uninterrupted bath time. I have accepted this. When the kids leave home, you say...but I know better. They're little bathtime terrorists and they will use any means necessary- they will drop in to visit or call with an emergency (like how to make a grilled cheese sandwich or what to do if you've turned all your white laundry pink). They will stop at nothing.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Summer
Today is my last homeschool day of this school year. I cannot adequately express with words how I feel when a school year ends. Ecstatic? Is that too strong a word? No- maybe not strong enough. I would blame it on the fact that we homeschool part of the time but really it's not even that. I have always, always loved summer. I thought when I grew up- I would move on to loving more sophisticated, grown-up seasons like fall perhaps. But it didn't happen. I still absolutely love summer.
I read an article about how moms hate summer after the first 2 weeks because they want to be back on a schedule, in a routine. Not me. I actually have discovered after trying to grow up and be a "normal" mom that I do not really like a lot of structure- no matter how hard I try. I love staying up late, putting together puzzles, watching movies. I love not having anywhere to go except the pool or the park. I love being able to pack up and leave town if we feel like it at the last minute. I love the sound of kids running in and out of my house all day (although this is not much different during the school year). I love flip flops and tank tops. And I love the sound of the ice cream churn whirring on the porch. This has always been the signal of the official start of summer- the first batch of homemade ice cream.
The big debate these days in the school world is year-round school. Educators love it, students hate it. I know if we ever make the switch to year round school I may need medication. I think summer should start Memorial Day and end Labor Day. I mean- isn't that what those holidays are really for? To signal the beginning and end of summer? I cannot imagine summer lasting a mere 6 weeks. Year-round school to me is like the death of the summer season. But now with school budget cuts, Cobb county is actually cutting school days- we are up to 5 right now. So for atleast another year- I am saved from the threat of year-round school, but more than that- summer is safe.
I read an article about how moms hate summer after the first 2 weeks because they want to be back on a schedule, in a routine. Not me. I actually have discovered after trying to grow up and be a "normal" mom that I do not really like a lot of structure- no matter how hard I try. I love staying up late, putting together puzzles, watching movies. I love not having anywhere to go except the pool or the park. I love being able to pack up and leave town if we feel like it at the last minute. I love the sound of kids running in and out of my house all day (although this is not much different during the school year). I love flip flops and tank tops. And I love the sound of the ice cream churn whirring on the porch. This has always been the signal of the official start of summer- the first batch of homemade ice cream.
The big debate these days in the school world is year-round school. Educators love it, students hate it. I know if we ever make the switch to year round school I may need medication. I think summer should start Memorial Day and end Labor Day. I mean- isn't that what those holidays are really for? To signal the beginning and end of summer? I cannot imagine summer lasting a mere 6 weeks. Year-round school to me is like the death of the summer season. But now with school budget cuts, Cobb county is actually cutting school days- we are up to 5 right now. So for atleast another year- I am saved from the threat of year-round school, but more than that- summer is safe.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Bath time
As a mom there is very little down time in my life- atleast any that doesn't involve kids anyway. Years ago I decided the best way to get a few minutes alone would be to take a bath - kind of de-stress, have a little quiet time, and pray. The plan was to slip off to the bathroom close to bedtime and while Brad put the kids to bed, I would have my 20 minutes alone. That is rarely how it has gone.
On one evening when Brandt was about 4- I was very pregnant with Halle and we were down to one working bathroom. Brad had taken him off to bed and I was just settling my very large self into the tub when there was a frantic knock (more like beating) at the door. Brandt was yelling he HAS to come in- he HAS to go to the bathroom (remember we only have one)- so I do my very best with what seemed like tiny wash rags (really I think they were normal size- they just seemed tiny in proportion to my oversized preganant self)- to strategically cover areas and let him come in to use the bathroom. He burst through the door and in his hurry- his aim is off and he pees on me. Very relaxing.
It seems that whenever the kids hear the water running- it's like the Bat-signal for them to come running. Brandt went through several years when he was younger that whenever I took a bath he wanted to be in my bedroom playing some video game with lots of gun fighting. There is nothing quite so relaxing as heavy artillery fire in the next room.
Halle, however,will not settle for being in the room next to me. She wants to be right there in the bathroom with her, usually dirty, feet hanging in the tub. I can have worship music on, my devotional out- and she will just plop herself right down on the edge of the tub- put her feet in and as my water turns a murky brown from the dirt - she will launch, undeterred by the music or me reading, into a very important conversation about whatever is very important to her that evening. Last night, she stopped the converastion long enough to let me know the rag I just used to wash my face is the same rag she used the night before to clean her feet after the garage sale.
Nice.
And we can't forget Kenzie- she wants to have entire conversations with me through the bathroom door while the water is running which go a lot like this : " Mom..MOM."..."What?"..."Can I mmm gggrrrr pllllp?" "What?" "I said...nnlll to pppll?" "What
?? I CANNOT hear you?! Open the door!" to which she will finally open the door "I said can I go online and buy a pair of shoes?" "Kenzie, can this not wait 20 minutes?" "MOM- they only have one pair left in my size!"
It is amazing the things that become absolute emergencies once I am sitting naked in a foot of water. And where- you ask- is Brad during all this? I have asked myself the same thing. I mean, this started with him putting the kids to bed, right? But they are obviously not in bed since they are all in or near the bathroom with me. All I can figure is what has started out as "me" time has turned into "Brad" time. He's no dummy- he knows that water is like a magnet for those kids and I think as soon as he hears it- he's off doing who knows what because he knows as long as I'm in that tub he's got 20-30 minutes of undisturbed quiet.
On one evening when Brandt was about 4- I was very pregnant with Halle and we were down to one working bathroom. Brad had taken him off to bed and I was just settling my very large self into the tub when there was a frantic knock (more like beating) at the door. Brandt was yelling he HAS to come in- he HAS to go to the bathroom (remember we only have one)- so I do my very best with what seemed like tiny wash rags (really I think they were normal size- they just seemed tiny in proportion to my oversized preganant self)- to strategically cover areas and let him come in to use the bathroom. He burst through the door and in his hurry- his aim is off and he pees on me. Very relaxing.
It seems that whenever the kids hear the water running- it's like the Bat-signal for them to come running. Brandt went through several years when he was younger that whenever I took a bath he wanted to be in my bedroom playing some video game with lots of gun fighting. There is nothing quite so relaxing as heavy artillery fire in the next room.
Halle, however,will not settle for being in the room next to me. She wants to be right there in the bathroom with her, usually dirty, feet hanging in the tub. I can have worship music on, my devotional out- and she will just plop herself right down on the edge of the tub- put her feet in and as my water turns a murky brown from the dirt - she will launch, undeterred by the music or me reading, into a very important conversation about whatever is very important to her that evening. Last night, she stopped the converastion long enough to let me know the rag I just used to wash my face is the same rag she used the night before to clean her feet after the garage sale.
Nice.
And we can't forget Kenzie- she wants to have entire conversations with me through the bathroom door while the water is running which go a lot like this : " Mom..MOM."..."What?"..."Can I mmm gggrrrr pllllp?" "What?" "I said...nnlll to pppll?" "What
?? I CANNOT hear you?! Open the door!" to which she will finally open the door "I said can I go online and buy a pair of shoes?" "Kenzie, can this not wait 20 minutes?" "MOM- they only have one pair left in my size!"
It is amazing the things that become absolute emergencies once I am sitting naked in a foot of water. And where- you ask- is Brad during all this? I have asked myself the same thing. I mean, this started with him putting the kids to bed, right? But they are obviously not in bed since they are all in or near the bathroom with me. All I can figure is what has started out as "me" time has turned into "Brad" time. He's no dummy- he knows that water is like a magnet for those kids and I think as soon as he hears it- he's off doing who knows what because he knows as long as I'm in that tub he's got 20-30 minutes of undisturbed quiet.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day. I have spent most of the day being catered to by my wonderful family and have been asked repeatedly what I want to do. How nice would it be if every day was like this one? Or would that just get really old?
There is a line in a song that says "We're all caught up in pretending that what we're seeking is the Truth- but we're all looking for a happy ending"... I think this is painfully true, especially in our culture. We sit in our churches and say we are Truth-seekers-We tell God we want more of Him, we want His purpose in our lives and then things don't go our way and we cry like a petulant child and call His character and His very affection for us in to question. We want things to go well for us and that is more important to us than Truth most of the time.
Somewhere I think our theology has mixed with our American culture and we believe God's will for us IS the American dream. Successful careers, happy families, all our physical needs not only met but met in excess with most of our wants fulfilled as well- then we will be a shining light to our community, His hands and feet to those in need. Living life as Christ would have us is the icing on the cake of our lives. And if it's not happening that way for us- if success eludes us, or our kids are struggling, or our health is failing- what happens to our theology? We either decide that none of these things are God's will or we are doing something to screw it up and keeping God from blessing us like He surely wants to.
Both lines of thought are dangerous and poor attempts to interpret Christ through our circumstances instead of intrepeting our circumstances through who we know Christ to be. If His will for us is merely for us to be happy and live pleasant lives- things would have gone much better for His disciples, I would think. I believe He has something much deeper and much more fulfilling for us than just a nice life. I do not pretend to be an expert here- just someone who has had their foundation shaken to the point that some of these externals have had to fall away and the only thing left in places is Him. I can no longer measure my worth based on the results of my parenting, the amount of savings in the bank, or how well I take care of myself (health-wise). Over the last few years I have seen how easily these things can be gone and I have run the gamut between guilt and anger many times over and where I have ultimately landed is, fortunately, the only place that matters- His arms. Have I made mistakes? Oh my gosh, yes. Have I caused all this stuff to happen? No way. Has God? I wager again to say, no way.
So if this is not God's doing and I didn't screw it all up- what is the answer? I say with full confidence, I don't exactly know. I know life happens to everyone. We don't know what ours will hold and most of it is completely out of our control- we can pray, we can fight, but most importantly, we have to trust. Trust the One who made us, who loves us, who knows us. And know that His will and our idea of His will may be worlds apart. The American dream is alive and well, but may not be His best for our lives. It most definitely sounds the most appealing- but will it make the biggest difference to those around us? Not every season of our lives will be a difficult one but when it is-Maybe we get something that is bigger than the American dream- maybe we get His vision, His dream.. Maybe we live for Him through pain and trials and difficulty- and the beauty He brings out of our lives is the icing on the cake.
There is a line in a song that says "We're all caught up in pretending that what we're seeking is the Truth- but we're all looking for a happy ending"... I think this is painfully true, especially in our culture. We sit in our churches and say we are Truth-seekers-We tell God we want more of Him, we want His purpose in our lives and then things don't go our way and we cry like a petulant child and call His character and His very affection for us in to question. We want things to go well for us and that is more important to us than Truth most of the time.
Somewhere I think our theology has mixed with our American culture and we believe God's will for us IS the American dream. Successful careers, happy families, all our physical needs not only met but met in excess with most of our wants fulfilled as well- then we will be a shining light to our community, His hands and feet to those in need. Living life as Christ would have us is the icing on the cake of our lives. And if it's not happening that way for us- if success eludes us, or our kids are struggling, or our health is failing- what happens to our theology? We either decide that none of these things are God's will or we are doing something to screw it up and keeping God from blessing us like He surely wants to.
Both lines of thought are dangerous and poor attempts to interpret Christ through our circumstances instead of intrepeting our circumstances through who we know Christ to be. If His will for us is merely for us to be happy and live pleasant lives- things would have gone much better for His disciples, I would think. I believe He has something much deeper and much more fulfilling for us than just a nice life. I do not pretend to be an expert here- just someone who has had their foundation shaken to the point that some of these externals have had to fall away and the only thing left in places is Him. I can no longer measure my worth based on the results of my parenting, the amount of savings in the bank, or how well I take care of myself (health-wise). Over the last few years I have seen how easily these things can be gone and I have run the gamut between guilt and anger many times over and where I have ultimately landed is, fortunately, the only place that matters- His arms. Have I made mistakes? Oh my gosh, yes. Have I caused all this stuff to happen? No way. Has God? I wager again to say, no way.
So if this is not God's doing and I didn't screw it all up- what is the answer? I say with full confidence, I don't exactly know. I know life happens to everyone. We don't know what ours will hold and most of it is completely out of our control- we can pray, we can fight, but most importantly, we have to trust. Trust the One who made us, who loves us, who knows us. And know that His will and our idea of His will may be worlds apart. The American dream is alive and well, but may not be His best for our lives. It most definitely sounds the most appealing- but will it make the biggest difference to those around us? Not every season of our lives will be a difficult one but when it is-Maybe we get something that is bigger than the American dream- maybe we get His vision, His dream.. Maybe we live for Him through pain and trials and difficulty- and the beauty He brings out of our lives is the icing on the cake.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Carpool
Yesterday was my day for carpool. This is not something I think anyone particularly looks forward to primarily because of the huge chunk of time it takes out of your day.I met at CFA at 5 to pick up everyone then drove across town to drop off the first group at football practice, stopped for gas, then headed about 30 minutes the other direction for the next drop-off, then grabbed fast food for myself and headed back to watch the rest of football and bring the boys home. Not the most rewarding way to spend your night but sometimes,like last night, it pays off.
I was driving Brandt and two of his friends home from their second week of JV football practice. The boys were unusually talkative as they relived moments from practice- the good and the bad. They all agreed they couldn't wait until next year when they wouldn't be freshmen anymore and they would know all the plays. Talk soon turned to last season on the middle school team and how awesome they each were at their respective positions. I would give anything to have had this recorded. It was so funny- I mean, the testosterone was just flowing in that car! But then one of the boys said something that, besides being ridiculously funny, was actually quite profound.
They were talking about different plays from the games they played last season- incredible interceptions, unbelievable touchdowns, amazing tackles,..and Connor says"Yeah- the best play of the season for me was in that game and only me and my dad remember it." Now we are all dying laughing, thinking if it was so incredible- how come you two are the only ones who remember it? But he is dead serious and goes on to explain how even in the highlight video- you see Brandt running the ball for this awesome touchdown and off to the side you can see a giant kid that was coming to take Brandt out- get tackled. You don't see who tackles him or how- but the tackle is made and Brandt breezes into the endzone unobstructed. Then you hear the crowd, the team, the coaches yelling "Way to go, Brandt!" But the kid who made that touchdown possible was Connor and nobody noticed...except his dad.
I thought about that all night. Connor laughed as he told us that story and we laughed with him because, frankly, it was funny, especially when Connor told it. I was pretty amazed by the whole thing, though, considering how much we all are dying for affirmation and recognition most of the time. He would have loved everybody to notice what he did, but it was enough that his dad saw and they could relive that moment together.."Do you remember, Connor, when you took out that kid twice your size, to save the touchdown and help win the game?..Man, that was awesome." Some of us don't have those kind of dad moments from childhood and we envy Connor because he does but what's worse than missing out on those past moments is living your entire life and missing out on these moments with your Abba Father. He sees everything you do that feels overlooked and unnoticed. He says "Do you remember- when you did more than was asked of you, loved more than necessary, forgave when no one was sorry, gave more than you had to give? That was so awesome!" He sees, He knows and He loves us so so much. He is a Dad like no other and He never misses a moment. We can say with confidence- "My best moment of the season and only me and My Dad remember it" and like Connor, if we really know our Father's love for us, it will be more than enough.
**(As an added note for anyone who read my last blog- Brandt forgot his football helmet when we left practice last night- he did,however, remember his shoes.)**
I was driving Brandt and two of his friends home from their second week of JV football practice. The boys were unusually talkative as they relived moments from practice- the good and the bad. They all agreed they couldn't wait until next year when they wouldn't be freshmen anymore and they would know all the plays. Talk soon turned to last season on the middle school team and how awesome they each were at their respective positions. I would give anything to have had this recorded. It was so funny- I mean, the testosterone was just flowing in that car! But then one of the boys said something that, besides being ridiculously funny, was actually quite profound.
They were talking about different plays from the games they played last season- incredible interceptions, unbelievable touchdowns, amazing tackles,..and Connor says"Yeah- the best play of the season for me was in that game and only me and my dad remember it." Now we are all dying laughing, thinking if it was so incredible- how come you two are the only ones who remember it? But he is dead serious and goes on to explain how even in the highlight video- you see Brandt running the ball for this awesome touchdown and off to the side you can see a giant kid that was coming to take Brandt out- get tackled. You don't see who tackles him or how- but the tackle is made and Brandt breezes into the endzone unobstructed. Then you hear the crowd, the team, the coaches yelling "Way to go, Brandt!" But the kid who made that touchdown possible was Connor and nobody noticed...except his dad.
I thought about that all night. Connor laughed as he told us that story and we laughed with him because, frankly, it was funny, especially when Connor told it. I was pretty amazed by the whole thing, though, considering how much we all are dying for affirmation and recognition most of the time. He would have loved everybody to notice what he did, but it was enough that his dad saw and they could relive that moment together.."Do you remember, Connor, when you took out that kid twice your size, to save the touchdown and help win the game?..Man, that was awesome." Some of us don't have those kind of dad moments from childhood and we envy Connor because he does but what's worse than missing out on those past moments is living your entire life and missing out on these moments with your Abba Father. He sees everything you do that feels overlooked and unnoticed. He says "Do you remember- when you did more than was asked of you, loved more than necessary, forgave when no one was sorry, gave more than you had to give? That was so awesome!" He sees, He knows and He loves us so so much. He is a Dad like no other and He never misses a moment. We can say with confidence- "My best moment of the season and only me and My Dad remember it" and like Connor, if we really know our Father's love for us, it will be more than enough.
**(As an added note for anyone who read my last blog- Brandt forgot his football helmet when we left practice last night- he did,however, remember his shoes.)**
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Brandt
Brandt is my 13 -almost 14-year old son. He is an incredible kid- extremely athletic, off the charts smart, compassionate, funny...but he is also forgetful. I don't know how you can be so incredibly smart and forget so many things. I have at times wondered if it's possible that he has no short term memory but then he remembers trivial, insignificant things like the migratory pattern of the hummingbird while forgetting important things, like, his shoes. We have actually left to go out to eat, gotten to the restaurant- and Brandt climbs out of the car and says "Hey, I don't have any shoes." Wow.
Another time when we were about to leave for soccer- I told him to go out to the garage, get his cleats- put them on, and get in the car. I hear him head down the steps, the front door opens then closes, a couple minutes pass- I hear the door open and close again and Brandt's voice "Mom- what was I looking for?" Even if he's not listening to me (which I'm pretty sure he's not) by process of elimination it seems to me he could figure out "Hey- I'm in the garage looking for something that probably has to do with where I'm going which is soccer-hmm, is it the rake? No... mower?No... wheelbarrow? nope... CLEATS! That's right!"
Over Spring Break we went to Guatemala on a mission trip. In the Atlanta airport- between security and our gate he managed to lose his belt, his passport, his backpack(this had all his insulin,needles and monitor for his diabetes), and his sweatshirt. That was before we even left the country!! Fortunately- his friends managed to recover all his belongings for him before he missed them.
Last week, he forgot he had a giant box cutter in his pocket and took it to school with him. You can imagine the phone call I got from the principal. How do you forget you have a giant metal thing in your pocket? You're Brandt, that's how.
I'm not sure there is any point to me telling you this except that I need someone to share my pain. This is what I live with daily. But I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is so great that mostly his forgetfulness doesn't matter (until you're stuck in a foreign country without a passport- thank you Jordan for saving us from this). I have full confidence it will not interfere with him leading an incredible life- he may just not have shoes on for large chunks of it.
Another time when we were about to leave for soccer- I told him to go out to the garage, get his cleats- put them on, and get in the car. I hear him head down the steps, the front door opens then closes, a couple minutes pass- I hear the door open and close again and Brandt's voice "Mom- what was I looking for?" Even if he's not listening to me (which I'm pretty sure he's not) by process of elimination it seems to me he could figure out "Hey- I'm in the garage looking for something that probably has to do with where I'm going which is soccer-hmm, is it the rake? No... mower?No... wheelbarrow? nope... CLEATS! That's right!"
Over Spring Break we went to Guatemala on a mission trip. In the Atlanta airport- between security and our gate he managed to lose his belt, his passport, his backpack(this had all his insulin,needles and monitor for his diabetes), and his sweatshirt. That was before we even left the country!! Fortunately- his friends managed to recover all his belongings for him before he missed them.
Last week, he forgot he had a giant box cutter in his pocket and took it to school with him. You can imagine the phone call I got from the principal. How do you forget you have a giant metal thing in your pocket? You're Brandt, that's how.
I'm not sure there is any point to me telling you this except that I need someone to share my pain. This is what I live with daily. But I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is so great that mostly his forgetfulness doesn't matter (until you're stuck in a foreign country without a passport- thank you Jordan for saving us from this). I have full confidence it will not interfere with him leading an incredible life- he may just not have shoes on for large chunks of it.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Mountain
Today Brad and I decided we needed to get away for a few hours so we blew off church and headed for the mountain. Not something we normally do because we hate to miss services at Riverstone but it was what we needed. The plan was to hike up the trail then run back down the road. This served two purposes- first, we needed to run a little and it's incredibly difficult to run down the trail without inflicting some kind of injury on yourself or people in front of you and second, there are some incredible views as you wind down the road that you miss on the trail(particularly if you are rolling head over foot down the trail because you tried to run it).
The hike up was good. We stopped at the top parking lot long enough to catch our breath and then headed back down. There were several groups of bird watchers and photographers coming up the road. We stopped at the overlooks as we came to them as we made our way down. About a third of the way down we passed a few people that were obviously part of the bird watching group but had lagged behind. The guy in the very back came walking up with binoculars around his neck, camera in hand and yelled to the people ahead of him "This place Sucks!" Apparently there was something in particular he was there to see and he was not seeing it. Now in the moment Brad and I thought this was pretty funny but I thought about it as we ran the rest of the way down the mountain.
Brad was talking about how clean and fresh everything smelled, we passed dogwood bushes growing wild-in full bloom, hawks were circling overhead and I wondered how anyone could think this place sucks? It's beautiful and peaceful but if you are only looking for one thing I guess you miss everything else. So then I wondered, how many times have I been the "this sucks" guy? How many times have I been looking for only one thing in particular to the exclusion of everything else? It's exactly what Judas did. Think about this guy who spends what? Like three years with Jesus? Walking, eating, spending every day side by side learning from God Himself- and he missed it? How is that even possible? Don't we always say if Jesus would just reveal Himself to us- speak to us- walk with us...then we could follow Him, do His will, forgive others, etc...? But that's exactly what Judas had and he handed Him over for 30 pieces of silver. How could he do that if Jesus was so loving, so good, so, well, Jesus-y?
I think it's because he was looking for one thing- which was for the Jews to be delivered from the Roman oppression they lived under. Now this is not a bad thing to want- it's a very righteous thing to want freedom. But he wanted this one thing more than he wanted the Messiah. He wanted what Christ would bring more than he wanted Christ Himself. That is a problem. And you see how it worked out for Judas- not well. Maybe that's an extreme example but I know I've done this many times in my own life.
I ask for things from Him that are good and right to ask- but then I set my heart on those things and when He doesn't answer the way I wanted- I am offended, disappointed, disillusioned and I miss everything else He is doing around me...and I would wager to say He's heart broken. I have to choose now to stay offended and nurse my wounds or turn my heart back to Him- ask Him to realign me with His will and His purposes,to gain His vision, to let Him heal the places where I have felt let down by Him, and trust , once again, in His goodness and His faithfulness.
It's hard to do sometimes and it's taken me longer than I would like to admit on some occasions to stop being offended- but I'm so glad He is patient with me and gracious in my times of doubt. He may not always do what I want but He is always good. And if I can just keep my heart set on Him, I will not be the "this sucks" guy anymore.
The hike up was good. We stopped at the top parking lot long enough to catch our breath and then headed back down. There were several groups of bird watchers and photographers coming up the road. We stopped at the overlooks as we came to them as we made our way down. About a third of the way down we passed a few people that were obviously part of the bird watching group but had lagged behind. The guy in the very back came walking up with binoculars around his neck, camera in hand and yelled to the people ahead of him "This place Sucks!" Apparently there was something in particular he was there to see and he was not seeing it. Now in the moment Brad and I thought this was pretty funny but I thought about it as we ran the rest of the way down the mountain.
Brad was talking about how clean and fresh everything smelled, we passed dogwood bushes growing wild-in full bloom, hawks were circling overhead and I wondered how anyone could think this place sucks? It's beautiful and peaceful but if you are only looking for one thing I guess you miss everything else. So then I wondered, how many times have I been the "this sucks" guy? How many times have I been looking for only one thing in particular to the exclusion of everything else? It's exactly what Judas did. Think about this guy who spends what? Like three years with Jesus? Walking, eating, spending every day side by side learning from God Himself- and he missed it? How is that even possible? Don't we always say if Jesus would just reveal Himself to us- speak to us- walk with us...then we could follow Him, do His will, forgive others, etc...? But that's exactly what Judas had and he handed Him over for 30 pieces of silver. How could he do that if Jesus was so loving, so good, so, well, Jesus-y?
I think it's because he was looking for one thing- which was for the Jews to be delivered from the Roman oppression they lived under. Now this is not a bad thing to want- it's a very righteous thing to want freedom. But he wanted this one thing more than he wanted the Messiah. He wanted what Christ would bring more than he wanted Christ Himself. That is a problem. And you see how it worked out for Judas- not well. Maybe that's an extreme example but I know I've done this many times in my own life.
I ask for things from Him that are good and right to ask- but then I set my heart on those things and when He doesn't answer the way I wanted- I am offended, disappointed, disillusioned and I miss everything else He is doing around me...and I would wager to say He's heart broken. I have to choose now to stay offended and nurse my wounds or turn my heart back to Him- ask Him to realign me with His will and His purposes,to gain His vision, to let Him heal the places where I have felt let down by Him, and trust , once again, in His goodness and His faithfulness.
It's hard to do sometimes and it's taken me longer than I would like to admit on some occasions to stop being offended- but I'm so glad He is patient with me and gracious in my times of doubt. He may not always do what I want but He is always good. And if I can just keep my heart set on Him, I will not be the "this sucks" guy anymore.
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