The Mad Hatter to Alice.."There's something different about you..You were much more muchier before...you've lost your muchness."
I think that is true for most of us. Somewhere along the way we lost our muchness. Remember when you were little and you dreamed of what you would be and do when you were grown? And then life with it's disappointments and hurts and just its realities happened. And here we are.. except, we don't really know who we are anymore and all the things we dreamed seem so silly and preposterous.
I used to pretend I was a superhero- Wonder Woman, to be precise. Some girls dream of being a princess and maybe I did sometimes but most days the thought of cooking and cleaning up after 7 dwarves while I waited on some guy to find me was much less interesting than pretending to fly around in my invisible jet helping people in distress. Plus I loved spinning in circles until I was too dizzy to stand anymore. I don't actually recall Wonder Woman getting dizzy when she did her spin but, oh well, I guess she just missed out on that part.
I truly believed I was going to do something "superheroish" when I was grown. I have been a mom now for almost 18 years and I could not feel any less like a super hero. And if I take an honest look at my life I would say in many ways I lost my muchness. Not because I haven't done anything heroic yet but because I've stopped believing and imagining I can. The rare times that I let myself go there and think and wonder if I could ever still be that person, I feel silly and the idea seems preposterous.
But I wonder if living as if I'm not capable of incredible things- maybe that is really what is frivolous. Maybe that is what ends in a life that missed out on all the "super" things it was destined for- the things which God had intended and purposed before the foundation of the world. I mean, there is a good story in the making right there. I may need to start working on that spin again...
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Charlie
Charlie is our long-haired dapple dachshund. He is ridiculously cute and the sweetest dog you will ever meet. As I write, he is laying next to his water bowl patiently waiting for someone to come fill it. If I take too long he will gently nudge it with his nose and look over at me with his ears up, head tilted as if to say "Whenever you get a chance, I'm kinda thirsty". I'll be right back.
Okay- water bowl is filled. If you've met him, you understand. Everyone that meets Charlie loves him. You just can't help it- he's that sweet. But no dog is perfect- not even Charlie.
Charlie has two issues. 1- He's a barker. Not a mean, growl-at-you-get-out-of-my-yard barker- but a hey-how's-it-going-nice-to-see-you barker. Which is really kind of worse as far as noise goes because he doesn't have to feel threatened to bark- he just has to have something to say and he, apparently, has a lot to say most days.
2- His long hair drags in every thing from pine straw and leaves to trash. So my messy house is then dirty as well.
(My kids would add that he has a 3rd flaw which is that he is fat. I wholeheartedly disagree with this as does our vet who says he is NOT fat- he just doesn't need to gain any more weight.)
So about twice a year Brandt and I endeavor to cut Charlie's hair on the back part of his legs which we call his "short pants" because it hangs down like little short pants. (Brandt has argued we should say they are capris because of the length but I say he just has short legs and on top of that,boys don't wear capris.) Anyway- yesterday we attempted the bi-annual event with poor results. Last time was not much better but we were atleast able to finish the job. What resulted was a spiky, poky looking monstrosity from the rear of which we assured Charlie no one looks back there anyway.
This time we gave up and took him to the groomer for the first time in his 4 years. They did a much neater job and even trimmed up his fluffy paw pads. He can now go throught the summer with most of his dignity intact. Brandt and I can put our scissors away for 6 months atleast.
Okay- water bowl is filled. If you've met him, you understand. Everyone that meets Charlie loves him. You just can't help it- he's that sweet. But no dog is perfect- not even Charlie.
Charlie has two issues. 1- He's a barker. Not a mean, growl-at-you-get-out-of-my-yard barker- but a hey-how's-it-going-nice-to-see-you barker. Which is really kind of worse as far as noise goes because he doesn't have to feel threatened to bark- he just has to have something to say and he, apparently, has a lot to say most days.
2- His long hair drags in every thing from pine straw and leaves to trash. So my messy house is then dirty as well.
(My kids would add that he has a 3rd flaw which is that he is fat. I wholeheartedly disagree with this as does our vet who says he is NOT fat- he just doesn't need to gain any more weight.)
So about twice a year Brandt and I endeavor to cut Charlie's hair on the back part of his legs which we call his "short pants" because it hangs down like little short pants. (Brandt has argued we should say they are capris because of the length but I say he just has short legs and on top of that,boys don't wear capris.) Anyway- yesterday we attempted the bi-annual event with poor results. Last time was not much better but we were atleast able to finish the job. What resulted was a spiky, poky looking monstrosity from the rear of which we assured Charlie no one looks back there anyway.
This time we gave up and took him to the groomer for the first time in his 4 years. They did a much neater job and even trimmed up his fluffy paw pads. He can now go throught the summer with most of his dignity intact. Brandt and I can put our scissors away for 6 months atleast.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday
It is a dreary Monday weather-wise. And my mood is matching. I have been in a funk the last couple of days and haven't really known why. This is when it's good to be a female and atleast have hormones to fall back on as an excuse but that just doesn't ring true this time. There is something more and as I really thought about it today I have realized atleast what part of it is. A couple of days ago, I met with someone to talk about a situation in my life and they told me the truth from a practical, educated perspective but I have allowed that assessment to steal not only my hope in this situation, but my joy. I have felt overwhelmed by a "diagnosis" that I can't fix.
There is a song I love that says "I'm so forgetful, but You always remind me. You're the only One who brings me peace. So I come, Lord, I come..to tell You I love You, to tell You I need You, to tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms, to tell You I'm sorry for running in circles, for placing my focus on the waves not on Your face"
So here I am again having forgotten His promises, His faithfulness, His comfort- and I've wasted two days feeling bad and not knowing why. Sometimes we excuse our feelings away without taking the time to see what is going on in our heart and letting the Lord show us why we're feeling what we're feeling. We can't live life based on our feelings, obviously, but they are a good barometer as to what is going on in our hearts. And it's never going to hurt us to take it to Him and ask- what is causing this, where is this coming from?
So I still have this spoken "prognosis" that is not good- what do I do with that? I trust that He knows best- He has promised me everything is going to be all right and He is greater than any diagnosis- either deliverance from or the grace to walk through. And I will claim His finished work on the Cross- all that He died for and the power that raised Him from the dead- over myself and my family. And I say to Him- I love You, I need You, there's no better place for me than in Your arms, You're the only One who brings me peace in the storm.
There is a song I love that says "I'm so forgetful, but You always remind me. You're the only One who brings me peace. So I come, Lord, I come..to tell You I love You, to tell You I need You, to tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms, to tell You I'm sorry for running in circles, for placing my focus on the waves not on Your face"
So here I am again having forgotten His promises, His faithfulness, His comfort- and I've wasted two days feeling bad and not knowing why. Sometimes we excuse our feelings away without taking the time to see what is going on in our heart and letting the Lord show us why we're feeling what we're feeling. We can't live life based on our feelings, obviously, but they are a good barometer as to what is going on in our hearts. And it's never going to hurt us to take it to Him and ask- what is causing this, where is this coming from?
So I still have this spoken "prognosis" that is not good- what do I do with that? I trust that He knows best- He has promised me everything is going to be all right and He is greater than any diagnosis- either deliverance from or the grace to walk through. And I will claim His finished work on the Cross- all that He died for and the power that raised Him from the dead- over myself and my family. And I say to Him- I love You, I need You, there's no better place for me than in Your arms, You're the only One who brings me peace in the storm.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Beginning
I have been questioned relentlessly by my family as to what this blog will contain. Quite frankly, I have no idea. I don't even know that anyone will ever read it so I don't feel much pressure for it to have any sort of theme. I plan on writing as close to daily as possible on whatever is happening. It could be what my dogs, or kids for that matter, have done that day to annoy or amuse me- or what the Lord is speaking to me.
As for the name of the blog- that is my heart cry for my life and for my family- to be immersed in His presence, swallowed up by His goodness - so the only thing others see when they look at me is Him. So if you happen to read this blog, I hope atleast on some occasions you are pointed towards a God who loves you enough to die for you, who is in relentless pursuit of you, and who will never give up on you no matter how many times you give up on yourself. Because that is the God I know and love- He has ruined me for anyone and anything else.
As for the name of the blog- that is my heart cry for my life and for my family- to be immersed in His presence, swallowed up by His goodness - so the only thing others see when they look at me is Him. So if you happen to read this blog, I hope atleast on some occasions you are pointed towards a God who loves you enough to die for you, who is in relentless pursuit of you, and who will never give up on you no matter how many times you give up on yourself. Because that is the God I know and love- He has ruined me for anyone and anything else.
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