Hope

I had a conversation with a friend today about how she has reached a place where she is almost afraid to ask God for anything because she doesn't want to be disappointed anymore. Then I got home and had an e-mail asking for prayer from a family going through a long, drawn out medical struggle with their infant son. The mom said it's getting difficult because every time she gets her hopes up- she gets let down again. I could cry for them because I have so been there. What a miserable place to be where we are afraid to hope!
Hope is meant to be a lifeline for us, but in times like these- it's almost more bearable to just give up. This is why the Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick. What do we do in these places where we still believe in God- we just don't believe Him anymore? I wish I could offer some formula that I learned through my own experiences that would bring His answer quickly. How do we keep hoping when it seems like He is absent from our circumstances? Brennan Manning talks about "tainted trust" where we have walked in the wilderness for so long that the promised land doesn't even seem real anymore. It's why the Israelites gave up right at the edge of their victory (remember the reports from the spies and the Israelites believed the bad report?).
I am in no way saying that if we just hold on long enough- we'll see whatever answer we're asking for. People lose their jobs, children die, marriages fall apart and quite often it has nothing to do with a lack of faith or perserverance on someone's part. It just happens. It is part of this broken world we live in.
This is where I am learning that my hope has to switch from my circumstances to Truth. It is not a quick-fix or a feel-good philosophy but it is the only thing that will bring peace that lasts no matter what happens. The Truth is that this life and all it's troubles are temporary, that we are living for something beyond our present happiness, and as we struggle through loss and change and disappointment- He is constant. Whether we feel His Presence or not- He is right there. I can only fall into His arms and ask Him to comfort me through the things I cannot understand and cannot change. There are times in our life when believing Him for the miraculous is not a possibility because it seems like just making it through the day, breathing in and out- is a miracle in itself. I do believe He is still healing, delivering, and providing in miraculous ways. But when He doesn't- He's still the same God I love and trust. When I am lying in a heap on the bathroom floor asking Him how I can make it one more day in my present circumstances, asking why it has to hurt so much, asking why He doesn't fix it because I know He can...He is still God. He is not threatened by my fear or my questions- He is not even offended at the smallness of my faith. He wraps me up in His arms and somehow brings me through the things I never thought I would survive.
The beautiful thing about it is that I love Him even more now than I did before it all fell apart. He is faithful and He will redeem all the pain we suffer.